Let's talk about queer sex. It's a topic that deserves open, honest discussion, and we're here to help you navigate it with confidence and comfort. We sat down with Dr. Anjalika Atrey, a queer-inclusive sexologist, therapist, psychiatrist, and de-addiction specialist, to break down the nuances.
What makes queer sex different?
“Sex, in all its forms, is an exploration of intimacy, pleasure, and self-discovery. But when it comes to queer sex, the lack of mainstream education and representation can leave many feeling confused, uncertain, or even isolated in their experiences. Queer sex doesn’t follow the conventional narratives we’re often taught,” Dr. Anjalika begins. “Unlike heteronormative scripts that revolve around penis-in-vagina (PIV) intercourse, queer sex is expansive. It prioritizes mutual pleasure, intimacy, and creativity over a singular ‘goal.’”
“In same-gender or gender-expansive relationships, partners rely on a mix of oral sex, fingers, sex toys, mutual masturbation, and non-penetrative acts to explore pleasure. Communication’s crucial here—understanding what feels good to you and your partner(s), rather than following a predefined script.”
Queer sex myths you need to stop believing
Sexual myths are rampant, and the queer community isn’t immune. Dr. Anjalika busts some of the biggest misconceptions:
- “Lesbian sex isn’t ‘real’ sex. is something I often hear. Sex is not defined by penetration. For example, a survey by the Kinsey Institute found that lesbian couples often experience longer-lasting and more satisfying sexual encounters than heterosexual couples. So, it’s time to drop this outdated idea!
For those of you interested to read more, this is what our expert is referring to: Frederick, D.A., John, H.K.S., Garcia, J.R. et al. Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample. Arch Sex Behav 47, 273–288 (2018). You can also read the entire survey here!
“Gay men only have anal sex is also a really common myth. While anal sex is a common practice among men who have sex with men (MSM), many engage in oral sex, mutual masturbation, intercrural (thigh) sex, or other forms of intimacy that don’t involve penetration at all."
“Bisexual and pansexual people are just confused about their intimacy? Not at all! This harmful stereotype erases the valid and diverse sexual experiences of bi+ individuals. Bisexual people aren’t ‘half gay, half straight’—they experience attraction in fluid and unique ways."
“Trans people can’t have sex the ‘right’ way... There is no ‘right’ way to have sex! Trans, non-binary, and intersex individuals engage in intimacy in ways that align with their bodies, identities, and comfort levels. What matters most is safety, consent, and pleasure."
How do you explore sex safely and comfortably?
Queer sex, like any other form of intimacy, requires safety, communication, and self-awareness. Dr. Anjalika shares her key recommendations:
Get comfortable with anatomy.
"Bodies are diverse! Take time to explore your own and your partner’s anatomy to understand what feels good."
Discuss boundaries and desires.
"Before getting intimate, talk about what you’re open to trying, your hard limits, and what makes you feel safe."
Use protection.
"STIs don’t discriminate. Dental dams, gloves, condoms, and lube (especially for anal or toy use) are great tools for safe sex."
Don’t rush penetration.
"For anal sex or strap-on play, lube and foreplay are your best friends. Take things slow, use plenty of lubrication, and make sure everyone is fully comfortable before proceeding."
Explore sex toys and pleasure enhancers.
"Toys like vibrators, dildos, and strap-ons can be game-changers. If you’re new, start with beginner-friendly massagers, like Libertee’s Dia Mini or Luna."
How can I be a better partner?
“Queer intimacy is a lot more than just sex: it touches every other aspect, which include a meaningful connection, respect and understanding,” Dr. Anjalika emphasizes.
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Use affirming language:
"Ask your partner what words they like to use for their body, pronouns, and what feels affirming during intimacy."
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Prioritize pleasure over performance:
"Queer sex doesn’t typically revolve around orgasm. Enjoy the journey of pleasure without pressure or expectations."
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Support their comfort:
"Sex can bring up gender dysphoria or body insecurities. Be patient, find a comfortable pace, and encourage open conversations."
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- What is gender dysphoria? "Yes, it's important to understand what it means, especially when we're talking about creating a safe and comfortable space for everyone. Essentially, gender dysphoria is the distress someone feels when their gender identity – how they feel inside, whether male, female, both, neither, or something else entirely – doesn't match the sex they were assigned at birth. That mismatch can cause significant emotional pain and it's not just a passing feeling. To be considered gender dysphoria, this distress must be persistent, lasting at least six months, and it has to significantly impact a person's life – their relationships, work, or daily functioning. It's a real and valid experience, and it's important to approach it with sensitivity and understanding."
No rules for your own intimacy
Queer sex is about exploration, connection, and intimacy on your terms. Whether new to it or looking to deepen your understanding, taking the time to learn, communicate, and experiment is key to a fulfilling experience.